The Order Of The Apple

🍎 The Order of the Sacred Slice

Core Belief:
The apple pie is the ultimate symbol of harmony — the union of fruit and crust, sweet and spice, heat and hearth. The Sacred Slice represents balance in life, love of tradition, and the eternal pursuit of comfort and joy.

📜 Tenets of the Faith

In Crust We Trust – The crust is sacred. It must be flaky, golden, and never soggy. It symbolizes the foundation of our lives.
The Filling Must Be True – Apple, cinnamon, and sugar must be in balance. No deception in flavor or intent.
Thou Shalt Not Microwave a Slice – All reheating must be done with care, in an oven, respecting the sanctity of warmth.
Pie is for Sharing – A pie hoarded is a pie dishonored. A slice shared is a blessing multiplied.
Seasonal Offerings Matter – Apple pie must be made with apples in season, honoring the rhythms of nature.
Worship Weekly – One slice per week is the minimum rite, typically enjoyed on Pie-day (Friday).

🥧 Holy Texts

The Book of Crustalations – Tales of the First Bakers.
The Epiphanies of Granny Smith – Sayings and parables from the prophet Granny Smith.
The Gospel of the Oven – Instructions on the correct way to prepare the Sacred Pie.

🛐 Rituals

The Great Bake – A seasonal gathering (preferably in autumn) where followers bake pies together and share them in a communal feast.
The Blessing of the Slice – A short chant said before eating:
“Golden crust, sweet within, may this slice cleanse me of sin.”
Crustbreaking Ceremony – Instead of bread and wine, apple pie and cider are shared in solemn celebration.

👩‍🍳 Clergy

The Head Baker – The spiritual leader, chosen annually by pie contest.
Keepers of the Recipe – Elders who preserve the most sacred apple pie recipes.
Novice Peelers – New initiates learning the craft and the meaning of the Slice.

🍂 Symbols

The Five-Spoked Apple Core – Represents balance: Earth, Heat, Fruit, Spirit, and Sharing.
The Rolling Pin of Justice – A symbol carried by clergy to “roll out” kindness and discipline.

🍎 The Sacred Mythology

The Creation of the First Pie

In the beginning, there was only Flour and Fruit — separated by Chaos. Then came The Great Baker, who mixed the Elements: Earth (flour), Fire (oven), Water (melted butter), and Air (steam). With the chant, “May sweetness bind, and crust align,” the First Pie was born.

From the steam of the First Pie rose Granny Smith, the First Prophet, whose wisdom guided the early tribes of hungry souls toward baking enlightenment.

🧙‍♀️ The Pantheon of the Pie

Granny Smith – Matriarch of Wisdom, Bringer of Tart Truths.
Sir Cinnamon – Warrior of Warmth, Patron of Spices.
Lady Crustina – Guardian of Boundaries and Texture.
The Caramel Trickster – A mischievous spirit who tempts bakers into over-sweetness.
The Oven Flame – The sacred force that transforms raw into divine.

📆 The Calendar of the Crust

The Sacred Year is divided into 8 Festivals and 4 Pie Seasons:

🔥 Seasons:

Crustfall (Sept–Nov) – Peak apple season, time of reflection and baking.
Spicewinter (Dec–Feb) – A time for warm pies, indoor worship, and storytelling.
Fillingbloom (Mar–May) – Symbolizes renewal; fruit offerings made to orchards.
Crumbsummer (Jun–Aug) – A time of light crusts, ice cream pairings, and pilgrimage.

🥳 Major Festivals:

The First Bake (Autumn Equinox) – Re-enactment of the First Pie. Mass baking and sharing.
The Feast of Flakes (Nov 15) – Celebrating perfect crusts. Pie contests are held.
Crustmas (Dec 25) – Exchange of miniature pies and warm cider.
The Spice Rite (Jan 5) – Renew your spice cabinet and bless your pantry.
The Day of Cooling (Feb 2) – Observe a pie cooling in silence; a day of meditation.
Fillingtide (April 1) – Pies with surprise fillings are made to test faith and humor.
The Rollout (June 1) – A day of picnics and outreach: bring pie to someone in need.
The Crumble Moon (Full moon closest to Aug 15) – Night feasts by moonlight; fruit blessings.

🕍 Temples & Places of Worship

Pie Shrines – Small altars in kitchens with rolling pins, apple slices, and mini pies.
The Great Oven – A domed temple in the fictional city of Pielm, where eternal pies bake slowly in a sacred hearth.
The Hall of Spice– A giant temple filled with the smells of a freshly cooked spiced apples

📖 Scriptures & Sayings

From the Book of Crustalations:

“A burnt edge is not a failure, but a trial by fire.”
“Judge not the pie by its crust alone, for the filling may surprise thee.”
“Thou shalt not bake in wrath, lest thy crust turn bitter.”
“We must realize that we are merely vessels for the apple. So that it may fill us with guidance and power”
“Let not the caramel temptations catch you, for balance is needed in the pie, and therefore in us”
“Reject the heretics of cake, for their lies corrupt the souls of even the most loyal”

🌍 A Satirical World

The rival religions include:

The Church of the Pumpkin Puree – Seasonal but intense.
The Followers of the Cheesecake Creed – Seen as heretical for their no-crust dogma.
The Frostians – Worshippers of cold, unbaked desserts.
The Tartarians – Zealots for thin-crust fruit tarts. Warred with the Order in the Great Flakening.

⚔️ Enemies of the Order

🎂 The Seekers of the Cake

“Fluff is not foundation!” — Common Crustian slogan

Beliefs:
The Seekers claim that cake is the true symbol of joy and celebration. They value height over depth, frosting over filling, and reject the sacred symbolism of crust. They see apple pie as “peasant food for sentimentalists.”

Practices:

Chant in tiers (layered liturgy).
Celebrate “The Great Rise” with ritual leavening.
Baptize followers in whipped cream.

Heretical Text:
The Velvet Verses, a collection of parables praising moistness and lightness over density.

Cultural Threat:
Their seductive frosting and ceremonial birthday cakes are luring youth away from the discipline of baking crust from scratch.
The Seekers are especially known for infiltrating Pie Festivals with cupcakes — small, treacherous offerings dressed as innocent desserts.

🫐 The Blueberry Doctrine

“One fruit to rule them all.”

Beliefs:
Blueberrians claim that blueberry pie is the one true pie, and all others (especially apple) are impure deviations. Their doctrine teaches that blueberries are the “chosen fruit”, marked by their deep color and ability to burst with minimal effort.

Key Tenets:

Only round pies (no lattice, no crumble).
No spices — “the fruit shall speak for itself.”
All pies must stain the tongue purple as a sign of faith.

Scripture:
The Book of Stains — proclaims the First Blueberry burst in the mouth of the First Eater, revealing divine truth.

Ritual:
The Tongue-Turning Rite, in which followers eat blueberry filling straight from the bowl to mark themselves as pure.

Cultural Threat:
Blueberrians attempt to rewrite sacred pie history, claiming Granny Smith was a blueberry farmer before her “fall from flavor.” They’ve sparked doctrinal wars like the Crust Wars of Fillingbloom and the Battle of the Stained Aprons.

🍎 The Order’s Position

The Order of the Sacred Slice teaches tolerance of fruit diversity, but opposes fruit supremacy and frosted lies.

Approved Statements:

“Cake is Heresy and Its followers are fools.”

“Blueberries are Heresy and They have lost their way.”

🥧 Sermon: “Of Crust and Spirit”

By Head Baker Ansel of the Ninth Rolling

Beloved Bakers, Crust Keepers, and Novice Peelers,
We gather here beneath the warm scent of cinnamon and the holy hum of preheated ovens to reflect upon the sacred bond between flour and flame, between patience and sweetness.

Let us recall the First Pie,
born not of haste, but of harmony — where fruit met crust, and crust met fire. It was not built to impress, but to nourish. It did not shout with frosting, but whispered of truth beneath its flaky shell.

The world offers many temptations.
The Seekers of the Cake will tell you that height is glory. That fluff is fulfillment. That sweetness must shout to be heard. But we, the faithful, know better.

The Slice does not boast. It balances.

And then there are those who follow the Blueberry Doctrine, who claim one fruit to rule them all. But can a single berry bear the burden of flavor? Can it alone cradle the longing of a soul on a cold autumn night?

No.

It is the apple, humble and firm, that holds both tartness and grace. It bruises when mishandled — like us. And yet, when wrapped in the arms of crust, it becomes more than fruit. It becomes truth.

Let us not forget the teachings of Granny Smith, who said:

“Judge not the pie by its shape, but by the warmth it leaves behind.”

Today, when you go to your ovens, do not bake in pride. Bake in peace.
Share your slice with the lonely. Offer your crumbs to the small birds who visit your window. And if your crust burns? Give thanks — for even in the burnt, the divine resides.

Let us now recite the Blessing of the Slice together:

Golden crust, sweet within,
May this slice cleanse me of sin.
With every bite, let me be wise,
In crust, in fruit, in humble pies.

Amen. And may your ovens be ever preheated.

🕊️ The Wedding Pie Blessing

To be recited by a Head Baker or Keeper of the Recipe during the ceremony.

“Let the crusts be joined.”

Today, before the Holy Pie and the gathered ovens of witness,
we bless this union as two souls braid their lives
like lattice over filling — strong, tender, and intertwined.

Let this pie be your covenant:

The apples within, both tart and sweet,
shall remind you to speak your truths and savor your joys.
The spices, warm and mysterious,
shall remind you to explore each other always.
The crust — golden, imperfect, and protective —
shall remind you to shield one another from the cold.

(At this point, the couple places hands over the pie)

May your kitchen be filled with laughter.
May your disagreements be as brief as preheating.
And may you always split the last slice without resentment.

Let no soggy bottom come between you.

Now, by the power baked into me,
as Head Baker of the Sacred Slice,
I pronounce you bound by crust and spirit.

You may now feed each other a bite. 🥧

The Funeral of the Final Crust

A Sacred Rite of Passage into the Eternal Oven

Processional Chant (intoned slowly):
“As crust to crumb, and crumb to ash,
The Great Oven welcomes all.
Baked in love, cooled in time,
May thy filling ever be sweet.”

1. The Preparation
The deceased is honored with a Crust Cloak, a ceremonial shroud embroidered with apples, leaves, and lattice patterns. A single slice of apple pie, still warm, is placed upon the chest, symbolizing the final offering to the Great Pie Beyond.

2. The Lament of the Ovenkeeper
Led by a High Crustwarden, the Ovenkeeper recites:

“Here lies one whose crust has cooled.
May their spirit rise as steam from golden pastry.
May their crumbs join the sacred table,
Where no slice is ever denied.”

3. The Final Blessing (spoken over the body):

“Return now, noble crust, to the orchard eternal.
May your memories be as sweet as cinnamon,
And your regrets as light as sifted flour.
Go now, into the warmth.”

4. Pie Sharing
Family and mourners share slices of the Pie of Remembrance. Each bite is taken in silence, honoring the virtues and recipes the deceased passed on.

5. The Cooling Silence
The ritual ends with ten minutes of silence, known as The Cooling, reflecting the moment a pie rests after leaving the oven—symbolic of the soul’s journey to peace.